I’ve been thinking about relationships & love, recently. And it’s funny how humans are going against the very thing that allowed us to evolve and overcome obstacles throughout our history.
In the most critical times faced by human beings; be it the Bubonic Plague or the plethora of empires that tried to undo each other from the face of the Earth; only one thing allowed people to survive & reach the other side unscathed. This one thing was our ‘strong bonds’ and these strong bonds were fueled by ‘Love’.
Welcome to another edition of my weekly logbook where I share my experiences, anecdotal diaries, and a change of perspective on the things plaguing our world today.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 47% of the U.S. population today are ‘single’. And this isn’t exclusive to USA alone. Canada, Europe, and Australia come pretty close. A “Singles in America” survey by The Harris Poll Thought Leadership Practice revealed a quarter of Americans said they weren’t looking for a relationship and eight in 10 Americans felt that you don’t need to be married to be happy.
Why is it that a species that solely relied on love and companionship to get through tough times simply doesn’t want to engage in love anymore?
There are multiple factors and we’ll discuss these now.
Why Men & Women Don’t Want to Date Anymore?
Pro Tip: Whenever you want to find out ‘accurate’ information about a particular topic/subject, Reddit is one of the best places to go. It contains ‘unfiltered’ opinions from people who actually think critically and aren’t sponsored by a certain entity.
Keeping that tradition alive, I went to Reddit to figure out why men & women would rather die alone than engage in love & romance.
- Technology creates ‘Superficial Connections’: Humans today are driven by mobile phones, laptops, and Netflix N’ Chill. All of these things present us with ‘Instant Gratification. The problem is – Real Relationships require targeted effort, and that comes when we ‘delay’ gratification. On the Internet, handsome men, and ideal women are just one search away. By placing these ‘superficial connections’ on the cusp of our fingertips, we avoid real interactions and seek to gratify our desires through perverted & edited pictures.
- Fear of Commitment and Emotional Availability: Several comments on Reddit highlight a perceived lack of emotional maturity and readiness among people, which prevents them from committing to relationships. The prevalence of the “grass is greener” syndrome heavily supports this argument where individuals constantly seek better options rather than working on existing relationships. Essentially, we’re moving towards a ‘looks-based’ selection rather than engaging with people because of their character and personality.
- Mis-Information & Personal Agenda: I’m all for Feminism, #MeToo & 2SLGBTQ. The problem is that when these movements really came to the fore, people started to promote their personal agendas, which deviated heavily from the main point of these movements. This has created two opposite extremes. On one side, women are more liberal than ever and think that every other guy is either a misogynist or a good-for-nothing prick that cannot handle their heavy emotional baggage. Men, on the other hand, are getting into a toxic conservative mentality where ‘muscles’ and ‘cold emotions’ are encouraged rather than having men actually express themselves.
Some more rational & logical arguments say the following:
Rational and logical arguments from the discourse include:
- Trust Issues and Social Conditioning: Users like @FlawedHumanMale and @Gvaedyn discuss how a combination of social conditioning, previous negative experiences, and the structure of modern dating apps contribute to a pervasive distrust and superficiality in dating. They logically connect personal experiences with broader social trends, suggesting a deeper societal issue rather than just individual failings.
- Emotional Maturity: Gvaedyn’s point about people not being emotionally mature enough to offer themselves wholly in relationships provides a rational explanation for the shift towards less committed relationships. This comment effectively links individual emotional capabilities to relationship outcomes.
- Market Dynamics in Dating: Discussions on how dating apps influence who is seen and chosen highlight a logical analysis of the ‘market conditions’ of modern dating. This includes insights into how app algorithms can amplify certain types of behaviors and preferences, impacting the overall dating culture.
A Conflict Between Cultures:
I really relate the ‘Coconut vs Peach Culture’ analogy here. These cultures mimic the actual structure of the fruits:
- A Peach Culture relates to a ‘peace’ where in reality, a peace is easier to open from the outside but then you reach a hard shell within the fruit that you cannot break. In relationships & culture, this relates to people who may form really interested in you, which in turn forces you to open up very easily. However, when you try to actually form strong bonds and uncover more about each other, you hit the ‘shell’ which makes that relationship a ‘tough nut’ to crack.
- A Coconut Culture resembles an actual ‘coconut’ which is difficult to crack from the outside, but when you actually break open a coconut, you find hydration and sweetness and a refreshing view within. In real-life, in a coconut culture, the bonds & relationships you form are incredibly strong, and not superficial.
How Modern Society is Worsening this Issue:
Don’t get me wrong; while it’s pretty easier to confront the intrinsic issues that are adding to this pervasive problems, the fact of the matter is — Society’s current economic structure is only worsening the issue instead of letting men & women find solace within each other.
From my observation talking to people, reading comments on social media, and researching, I’ve found the main ‘non-intrinsic factors’ to be:
- Economic Factors and Individualism: In today’s economy, many individuals prioritize career and personal development over forming relationships. This trend is particularly pronounced among younger generations who face uncertain economic prospects and rising living costs.
The focus on self-reliance and individual achievement can often sideline the pursuit of romantic relationships. For instance, many people delay marriage or serious dating to pursue education and career goals, viewing relationships as potential obstacles to personal success.
Countries like South Korea & Japan are currently dealing with this right now. Their work culture which fed the corporate machine led to the younger generations overworking themselves instead of focusing on their social life. This, in turn, led to a decline in relationships & marriages. Ultimately, their declining birth rates provide a compelling reason to re-think the corporate structure.
- Overchoice and Paralysis: The paradox of choice in modern dating can also lead to relationship paralysis. Dating apps provide seemingly endless options, which can make it difficult for individuals to choose a partner and stick with them.
This abundance of choice might lead to continuous searching for a ‘better’ option, preventing deep, lasting connections. Research suggests that when faced with too many options, people often feel overwhelmed, less satisfied with their choices, and may even opt not to choose at all.
As discussed earlier, the fact that we can easily quench our desires by searching on an app like Instagram and scrolling through pictures of a runway model also presents us with the courage to not go out and engage in real-world relationship-building, which again, requires ‘delay gratification’.
- Cultural Shifts in Relationship Perception: The traditional view of relationships and marriage as societal expectations has shifted towards viewing them as one option among many for personal fulfillment. This cultural shift has been influenced by increasing acceptance of different lifestyles and relationship formats, such as polyamory, open relationships, and lifelong singlehood, which are becoming more mainstream.
This is another result of personal agenda-building and manipulation through movements like #MeToo, Feminism, & Toxic Masculinity. Our role models face the same issue. However, they’re profiting off these same issues while the void gets wider and wider for the main populace.
Strategies for Navigating Modern Relationships:
Now, I don’t just want to focus on problems too much. This is the first of many articles where I will discuss these issues and seek to provide a solution. For this first edition, I’ve shared my personal perspective on how we can solve this.
Note: This is a plague that needs to be dealt with, collectively. Individualism will not let us get anywhere.
- Communication and Transparency: Encouraging open and honest communication from the start can help set realistic expectations and foster emotional connections. It’s important for individuals to discuss their values, goals, and what they seek in a relationship early on to ensure alignment and mutual understanding.
- Finding ‘reliable’ mentors: The younger generation needs the right kind of encouragement & advice. Instead of letting boys become Tate Fanboys and Girls drool over every other nonsensical Tik Tok posts, we need to start becoming mentors for our brothers & sisters, to help them navigate through what an actual relationship is like.
- Change in Education: I seriously think the elder generation needs to be that guiding light. There’s no surprise that theirs are the relationships that stood the test of time. The same dynamics and emotional intelligence needs to be shared in classrooms through a subject like ‘Relationship Building’. If we can have classes on ‘sex education’, there’s no reason why we cannot discuss the innate traits like love, trust, honesty, commitment, and sincerity.
Enhancing education around emotional intelligence and relationship skills in schools could help prepare younger generations for healthier relationships. Topics could include managing emotions, conflict resolution, and understanding different attachment styles.
- Community and Support Structures: Building community support structures that offer spaces for people to meet and form connections outside of the digital realm can facilitate more organic relationships. Workshops, community events, and interest-based groups can provide opportunities for people to connect on a deeper level.
As we navigate these evolving societal norms, it’s crucial to foster environments that promote genuine connections. By understanding the multifaceted reasons behind the modern aversion to relationships, we can work towards creating a society where relationships are seen not only as possible but as enriching elements of the human experience.